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Families don’t usually fall apart because of shouting; they fracture because of what never gets said.
Jeanette Winterson’s observation lands with such force because it names a dynamic many people recognize instinctively but struggle to articulate. In unhappy families, silence isn’t an absence of communication so much as a shared strategy. Certain topics are quietly sealed off. Everyone learns where not to look, what not to mention, which memories are to be smoothed over or erased entirely. This unspoken agreement keeps the family functioning on the surface, but it comes at a cost. Reality has to be edited, and someone always pays for that editing.
When one person refuses the arrangement and speaks what has been buried, they don’t just introduce uncomfortable facts. They threaten the structure that has kept the family intact. The reaction is rarely gratitude. More often, the truth teller becomes the problem. They are labelled difficult, disloyal, dramatic, or cruel. The silence itself is defended as if it were a moral good, and the person who breaks it is cast out, emotionally if not literally. Winterson’s insight is unsparing here. Families built on silence don’t forgive those who disrupt it, because forgiveness would require acknowledging the lie.
What makes this observation especially piercing is the turn inward. If forgiveness isn’t coming from the family, the burden shifts to the individual. They must learn to forgive themselves for the damage caused by telling the truth. This is harder than it sounds. Many people carry a quiet sense of guilt for decades, wondering whether speaking up was worth the fallout, whether keeping the peace would have been kinder. Winterson suggests that self-forgiveness isn’t an indulgence. It’s a form of survival.
This idea resonates deeply with psychological thinking about family systems. Therapists have long noted that families tend to maintain balance, even if that balance is unhealthy. When one member changes, the system resists. The truth teller becomes a kind of emotional scapegoat, absorbing the discomfort that others can’t or won’t face. In this light, guilt is not evidence of wrongdoing. It’s a predictable response to stepping outside an inherited script.
The quote gains even more weight when you place it in the context of Winterson’s life.
Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal is a memoir shaped by abandonment, religious extremism, and emotional deprivation. Winterson was adopted into a household where love was conditional and silence was enforced by ideology. Her mother, a
Pentecostal preacher, rejected her sexuality and policed reality through dogma. For Winterson, speaking the truth was never a theoretical exercise. It meant losing family, community, and the illusion of safety. That she went on to become one of Britain’s most daring literary voices is inseparable from that early rupture.
Her work has always challenged neat narratives, whether about gender, love, or identity. She’s been celebrated for her lyrical intelligence and criticized for being difficult or uncompromising. That pattern mirrors the dynamic she describes. Those who refuse simplification often pay a social price. Yet Winterson has consistently argued that inner freedom matters more than approval. Happiness, in her framing, isn’t about comfort. It’s about integrity.
There’s something quietly feminist in this, too. Many women writers have explored the cost of breaking silence, from
Audre Lorde’s insistence that silence will not protect us to
Maggie Nelson’s refusal to separate personal truth from intellectual inquiry. These thinkers challenge the idea that harmony is always virtuous. Sometimes harmony is just compliance dressed up as maturity.
Culturally, the quote feels especially relevant now, in an era of public reckonings around abuse,
mental illness, and inherited trauma. As institutions and families alike are asked to confront what they’ve hidden, the backlash often follows the same pattern Winterson describes. The problem is not what happened. The problem is that someone spoke.
What her words ultimately offer is not reassurance but clarity. Telling the truth may cost you belonging. It may rewrite your place in a family or a community forever. If you’re waiting for everyone else to understand or absolve you, you might be waiting a long time. The work, then, is to make peace with yourself, to trust that naming reality was an act of care, even if it looked like destruction from the outside.
Silence can keep a family together. Truth can set a person free. Jeanette Winterson doesn’t pretend you can have both.
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posted on Facebook 30 Dec 25
Image: University of Salford Press Office
