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When Dave Chappelle said you can love someone and still say “FU,” last night, he wasn’t being reckless. He was being accurate. Two things can be true at the same time. You can have love in your heart and boundaries in your behavior. That’s not bitterness; that’s discernment.
Here’s where folks get toxic.
People confuse forgiveness with reconciliation like they’re synonyms. They are not cousins, not twins, not even Facebook friends.
Forgiveness is internal. It’s you deciding not to let anger rent space in your body. It’s for your peace, your blood pressure, your sleep.
Reconciliation is relational. It requires truth, accountability, repair, and changed behavior. That part is a group project.
Now let’s define the word people love to weaponize.
Reconcile means to restore harmony after a conflict. Restore. That assumes the relationship was healthy and honest before the damage. If someone lied on you, smeared your character, or tried to dismantle your name, there is nothing to “restore.” There is only distance with manners.
And here’s the grown part people don’t like.
An apology does not erase intent.
An apology does not reverse impact.
An apology does not obligate access.
At this age, we are not “picking up where we left off” if where we left off was disrespect, deception, or character assassination. No ma’am. No sir. We can be cordial. We can be civil. We can pray for you and still sit at the same table as you.
That’s not unforgiving. That’s emotionally regulated.
Some people want reconciliation because it makes them comfortable, not because they did the work to be safe again. And that’s the toxicity. They want closure without accountability. Reunion without repair. Access without trust.
You can love someone.
You can wish them well.
And you can still say, respectfully and spiritually, “I love you but we’re done here.”
Scripture says in The Bible, death and life are in the power of the tongue. That means words don’t just express feelings; they create damage. You can forgive the person and still remember the wound. Forgiveness heals the heart. Memory protects the future.
And here’s the part folks don’t want to hear in church.
The Bible never says forgiveness requires restored access.
Jesus forgave, but He also withdrew.
God forgives, but He still sets consequences.
Even scripture says, be wise as serpents and gentle as doves. Wisdom is not amnesia.
People want you to “go back to the way things were” because that version of you was easier to mistreat. But the Bible also says, guard your heart, for out of it flows the issues of life. Guard does not mean bitter. It means protected.
So yes, I forgave.
No, I didn’t forget.
And absolutely not, I did not return to the same access.
That’s not unchristian.
That’s discernment with scripture on it.
You can love people.
You can release resentment.
And you can still say, “We are not the same anymore.”
Two things can be true. And grown people know the difference.
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