BLOOM: Bring Out the Gift In You

Shifted Communications 

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This is my current website: 

BLOOM: Bring Out the Gift In You

You can find earlier writings here:
ReNew You! with Wendy R Wolf

I am rarely writing here these days: 

BLOOM

Actually, I have been writing Mostly on Facebook for many years

Many Facebook doorways here 

Please come visit!

Best to you on your unique journey,
Wendy

More on Forgiveness & Reconciliation... and discerning the difference

If you want to share ideas or experiences that this post stirs, please share below, or in Facebook Group .   If you want to read more on these themes - please consider:  Heal Grow Shine , ReNew You , Sacred Truth Group on Facebook

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When Dave Chappelle said you can love someone and still say “FU,” last night, he wasn’t being reckless. He was being accurate. Two things can be true at the same time. You can have love in your heart and boundaries in your behavior. That’s not bitterness; that’s discernment.

Here’s where folks get toxic.

People confuse forgiveness with reconciliation like they’re synonyms. They are not cousins, not twins, not even Facebook friends.

Forgiveness is internal. It’s you deciding not to let anger rent space in your body. It’s for your peace, your blood pressure, your sleep.
Reconciliation is relational. It requires truth, accountability, repair, and changed behavior. That part is a group project.

Now let’s define the word people love to weaponize.

Reconcile means to restore harmony after a conflict. Restore. That assumes the relationship was healthy and honest before the damage. If someone lied on you, smeared your character, or tried to dismantle your name, there is nothing to “restore.” There is only distance with manners.

And here’s the grown part people don’t like.

An apology does not erase intent.
An apology does not reverse impact.
An apology does not obligate access.

At this age, we are not “picking up where we left off” if where we left off was disrespect, deception, or character assassination. No ma’am. No sir. We can be cordial. We can be civil. We can pray for you and still sit at the same table as you.
That’s not unforgiving. That’s emotionally regulated.

Some people want reconciliation because it makes them comfortable, not because they did the work to be safe again. And that’s the toxicity. They want closure without accountability. Reunion without repair. Access without trust.

You can love someone.
You can wish them well.
And you can still say, respectfully and spiritually, “I love you but we’re done here.”

Scripture says in The Bible, death and life are in the power of the tongue. That means words don’t just express feelings; they create damage. You can forgive the person and still remember the wound. Forgiveness heals the heart. Memory protects the future.

And here’s the part folks don’t want to hear in church.

The Bible never says forgiveness requires restored access.

Jesus forgave, but He also withdrew.
God forgives, but He still sets consequences.
Even scripture says, be wise as serpents and gentle as doves. Wisdom is not amnesia.

People want you to “go back to the way things were” because that version of you was easier to mistreat. But the Bible also says, guard your heart, for out of it flows the issues of life. Guard does not mean bitter. It means protected.

So yes, I forgave.
No, I didn’t forget.
And absolutely not, I did not return to the same access.

That’s not unchristian.
That’s discernment with scripture on it.

You can love people.
You can release resentment.
And you can still say, “We are not the same anymore.”

Two things can be true. And grown people know the difference.

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- Dr. ShantaQuilette-Hey ShantaQ. 

 20 Dec 25 on Facebook 

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Silence can keep a family together. Truth can set a person free. Jeanette Winterson doesn’t pretend you can have both.

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Families don’t usually fall apart because of shouting; they fracture because of what never gets said.

Jeanette Winterson’s observation lands with such force because it names a dynamic many people recognize instinctively but struggle to articulate. In unhappy families, silence isn’t an absence of communication so much as a shared strategy. Certain topics are quietly sealed off. Everyone learns where not to look, what not to mention, which memories are to be smoothed over or erased entirely. This unspoken agreement keeps the family functioning on the surface, but it comes at a cost. Reality has to be edited, and someone always pays for that editing.

When one person refuses the arrangement and speaks what has been buried, they don’t just introduce uncomfortable facts. They threaten the structure that has kept the family intact. The reaction is rarely gratitude. More often, the truth teller becomes the problem. They are labelled difficult, disloyal, dramatic, or cruel. The silence itself is defended as if it were a moral good, and the person who breaks it is cast out, emotionally if not literally. Winterson’s insight is unsparing here. Families built on silence don’t forgive those who disrupt it, because forgiveness would require acknowledging the lie.

What makes this observation especially piercing is the turn inward. If forgiveness isn’t coming from the family, the burden shifts to the individual. They must learn to forgive themselves for the damage caused by telling the truth. This is harder than it sounds. Many people carry a quiet sense of guilt for decades, wondering whether speaking up was worth the fallout, whether keeping the peace would have been kinder. Winterson suggests that self-forgiveness isn’t an indulgence. It’s a form of survival.

This idea resonates deeply with psychological thinking about family systems. Therapists have long noted that families tend to maintain balance, even if that balance is unhealthy. When one member changes, the system resists. The truth teller becomes a kind of emotional scapegoat, absorbing the discomfort that others can’t or won’t face. In this light, guilt is not evidence of wrongdoing. It’s a predictable response to stepping outside an inherited script.

The quote gains even more weight when you place it in the context of Winterson’s life. Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal is a memoir shaped by abandonment, religious extremism, and emotional deprivation. Winterson was adopted into a household where love was conditional and silence was enforced by ideology. Her mother, a Pentecostal preacher, rejected her sexuality and policed reality through dogma. For Winterson, speaking the truth was never a theoretical exercise. It meant losing family, community, and the illusion of safety. That she went on to become one of Britain’s most daring literary voices is inseparable from that early rupture.

Her work has always challenged neat narratives, whether about gender, love, or identity. She’s been celebrated for her lyrical intelligence and criticized for being difficult or uncompromising. That pattern mirrors the dynamic she describes. Those who refuse simplification often pay a social price. Yet Winterson has consistently argued that inner freedom matters more than approval. Happiness, in her framing, isn’t about comfort. It’s about integrity.

There’s something quietly feminist in this, too. Many women writers have explored the cost of breaking silence, from Audre Lorde’s insistence that silence will not protect us to Maggie Nelson’s refusal to separate personal truth from intellectual inquiry. These thinkers challenge the idea that harmony is always virtuous. Sometimes harmony is just compliance dressed up as maturity.

Culturally, the quote feels especially relevant now, in an era of public reckonings around abuse, mental illness, and inherited trauma. As institutions and families alike are asked to confront what they’ve hidden, the backlash often follows the same pattern Winterson describes. The problem is not what happened. The problem is that someone spoke.

What her words ultimately offer is not reassurance but clarity. Telling the truth may cost you belonging. It may rewrite your place in a family or a community forever. If you’re waiting for everyone else to understand or absolve you, you might be waiting a long time. The work, then, is to make peace with yourself, to trust that naming reality was an act of care, even if it looked like destruction from the outside.

Silence can keep a family together. Truth can set a person free. Jeanette Winterson doesn’t pretend you can have both.

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-

Echoes of Women - 

posted on Facebook 30 Dec 25 

Image: University of Salford Press Office

Can we let go of the Raft?

The primary source for The Parable of the Ferryboat is found in MAJJHIMA NIKAYA 22, Alagaddupama Sutta, The Water-Snake Simile, as the Buddha explains the proper attitude to take to the Buddha Dharma using the parable:

"Monks, I will teach you the Dhamma compared to a raft, for the purpose of crossing over, not for the purpose of holding onto. Listen and pay close attention. I will speak." 

"As you say, lord," the monks responded to the Blessed One. 

The Blessed One said: "Suppose a man were traveling along a path. He would see a great expanse of water, with the near shore dubious and risky, the further shore secure and free from risk, but with neither a ferryboat nor a bridge going from this shore to the other. The thought would occur to him, 'Here is this great expanse of water, with the near shore dubious and risky, the further shore secure and free from risk, but with neither a ferryboat nor a bridge going from this shore to the other. What if I were to gather grass, twigs, branches, and leaves and, having bound them together to make a raft, were to cross over to safety on the other shore in dependence on the raft, making an effort with my hands and feet?' Then the man, having gathered grass, twigs, branches, and leaves, having bound them together to make a raft, would cross over to safety on the other shore in dependence on the raft, making an effort with his hands and feet. Having crossed over to the further shore, he might think, 'How useful this raft has been to me! For it was in dependence on this raft that, making an effort with my hands and feet, I have crossed over to safety on the further shore. Why don't I, having hoisted it on my head or carrying on my back, go wherever I like?' What do you think, monks: Would the man, in doing that, be doing what should be done with the raft?" 

"No, lord." 

"And what should the man do in order to be doing what should be done with the raft? There is the case where the man, having crossed over, would think, 'How useful this raft has been to me! For it was in dependence on this raft that, making an effort with my hands and feet, I have crossed over to safety on the further shore. Why don't I, having dragged it on dry land or sinking it in the water, go wherever I like?' In doing this, he would be doing what should be done with the raft. In the same way, monks, I have taught the Dhamma compared to a raft, for the purpose of crossing over, not for the purpose of holding onto. Understanding the Dhamma as taught compared to a raft, you should let go even of Dhammas, to say nothing of non-Dhammas."

What can happen when we Show Up, for Real?

I think of this Jetson's clip regularly!

(Video Phone Mask Fail - >
So human, and hilarious ; )

"Don't compare your insides        
to someone else's outsides."

Most of us have heard this, by now

- and its hard to know who said it first -

but this is Hard to do!

Most everyone is putting our best foot forward,

in most of our social interactions,
in media, in business, in politics, in religion, in school,
even with lovers, friends, family...

And there is a complaint about how detrimental social media is,
because we are getting fed a stream of that;

on top of all the 'success' and 'looking-good'
we have to be-with from almost all directions, almost all relationships...

We are getting a lot of mirrors for

our successes, 'looking good', good-days.

AND not a lot of mirrors for

our failures, 'looking bad', our bad-days.

How come everyone else is succeeding,
and looking-good,

and making it look easy?

And that isn't my experience...

This can leave us feeling

awful,

striving to be better, look better, do more...

and very lonely.

It is normal to want to wear the mask,

put our best face forward...

And I believe, I experience:

finding a place to BE with others
and people with whom we can share for Real

is very useful for our well-being.

Real life includes struggle.

Every day is not sunny.

Not everything is great and woo-hoo!

Can we be with ourselves in this?

Can we share with each other:
hear each other? hold each other?

When, Where, How can we safety do this?

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Seeing only others' Best-face

can feel like we are the only one
who isn't living up-to the perfect-pictures
- and we are not the only one,
we are in very good company!

Sharing our challenges with others,
helps them

and it helps us.

We are not alone

in our challenges, in our failures, in our darkness...

It is the human expereince.

There is something very important about:

- being Real, dealing with and being honest about our the full-spectrum of our lives;

- honoring the challenges we are each in, have been in;

- noting how living through these things in the open, uncovers who we are, and helps us build our capacity for the next challenges.

I believe sharing these things is:

- more useful as contributions to others;

- more efficacious in building community; and

- more healing for us to share, than all the 'looking good' stuff.

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ALL Real sharing is Wonderful!

And especially sharing the underside-stuff

needs more encouragement, more safety, more bravery;

AND also bears more fruit

- of connection, acceptance, transformation...

I believe it can help to notice,

we may not Only be hiding because of our ego.

We are sometimes trying to make it easier for Them.

We don't want to pour all our crap on them,

we don't want to overwhelm them with our darkness and our needs

- and I believe that is wise.

BUT, can we find a middle ground?Can we consider just BEing? just SAYing what IS?

Can we practice not having to make it smooth for others, all the time?

Can we give them a chance to be OK with us?

to really Know us?

to actually love Us?

By just BEing us,

can we give them a chance to be ok with themselves,

in a whole new way?

And, can we all get a chance to learn a new way?

By us sharing together:

- how do we handle the challenges that come up in our lives?

- how do we build strength and resilience, even while the waves just keep coming?

- how can we allow safety in ourselves and in community, even as the real boats rock?

What say you?

; ) Wendy

I am just THRILLED to Have a Cup

funny

lots of people tell me i am an optimist, i’m optimistic.

That is not my perception of myself - i believe i am a realist.

i don’t focus on the cup half- full OR half-empty 

- nor do I mean to project that into the future.

I don’t believe any of this is useful.

I am just THRILLED to Have a Cup

(and hoping to keep having a cup for a while longer ; )

I have a CUP!

I Get to play this challenging game, 

on this beautiful earth, 

with so many amazing characters, 

and unending scenarios to explore.

I can 

- enjoy it or not,

- seem to be winning or not.

Meanwhile, I can step-off the game board any time I choose.

I don’t HAVE to play.

But I do GET to play.

(I find this choice is very important to me, not just theoretically, 

but in my everyday processing of my life, experience of my challenges.

It is my choice, to play, so I might as well enjoy it!! ; )

I am blessed beyond measure 

- I can receive and drink it from my cup.

I know humans have an endless ability to take stuff for granted.

We can get used to almost anything - wonderful or terrible

So, it helps to remember:

I have a cup

and I get to decide, not just how to SEE it, but what to DO with it.

I chose to 

- play my own game.

- go Onward, Adventuring in the hero’s journey of my Soul.

I may or I may not be tilting at windmills

but I am happy and I live in hope.

So, I like my game, 

even when it isn’t so popular, 

or others don’t get it, 

or think I am losing the game.

My perception is, I am winning my game.

Because I am playing my own game and 

Beyond all reason and rationale and deserving and reasonable expectation 

I have a CUP, and a lot of opportunities to enjoy it.

The who, what, where, why, how

what it all means, what are the stories,

and what do i do about it? how do i live?

I have some working theories. 

Better ones than I used to have!

These days, I have some places to stand and how to operate my life, that seem to work really well.

I used to get all snarled-up.

and miserable about Meaning...

what does it all mean? what are supposed-tis? the stories about?…

But regardless of the meaning

(or gauging my current success or future outcome)

I have rarely heard better coaching than these 2 perspectives, 

which I have learned myself, the hard way, 

and bow to the wisdom of these men as well:

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, 

but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate

— that's my philosophy.

- Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth (1942) (I added white-space)

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart

and try to love the questions themselves,

like locked rooms and

like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue.

Do not now seek the answers,

which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it,

live along some distant day into the answer.

- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet (1934) (I added white-space)

thanks for reading ; )

Wendy

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the independence and interdependence of the major body chakras

I wrote this post to review and explicate some distinctions for recent meditation participants, and I thought I would share:

Chakra is a Sanskrit word meaning wheel, which refers to the different energy centers within our body.

There are very many of these, all over our system - big and small.

Several years ago, the metaphor of the tiered tray started coming to me, as a way to see and nurture the relationship between the Major chakras of the body.

I like the image becasue it shows how the major body chakras are both independent and interdependent.

Each chakra is unique, with focused intelligence & genius, specialized abilities & responsibilities.

AND

All the chakras are connected:

the upper chakras build on the lower ones,

the lower ones are watered by the upper ones.

Leading to a cornucopia of blessing thoughout our own system

and fortifying us to BE who we are in the world, DOing what we are here to do, what only we can do!

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It is vital that we gently awaken and nurture all of our energy centers to help us enjoy a powerful, integrated human life.

- If we want a sustainable and safe spiritual journey,

- if we want to enjoy our human embodied lifetime,

- if we want to expereince deep connection with others, and/or the bliss of Divine expereince,

- if we want to actively dive into spiritual evolution...

If we want any of these things, or most anything else in this life:

We cannot skip steps

We cannot run ahead to high spiritual experiences and ignore the base.

And at the same time, If we want a joyful, fulfilled human experience,

it behooves us to go beyond the basics of physical focus and existence, to spiritual depth.

Remembering and investing-in

- the independent fruition of

AND

- the interdependent relationship between

ALL our major chakras

So in very simple terms:

from grounding, being supported from the earth,

supporting our (1) root chakra,

our relationship with this reality - safe, basic needs met, belonging

supporting our (2) sacral chakra,

our relationship with our body experience, communication, expression

supporting our (3) solar plexis chakra,

our relationship with our will, power, the energy we need and how we use it.

supporting our (4) heart chakra,

our relationship with the spiritual Oneness that IS, All our Relations.

supporting our (5) throat chakra,

our relationship with communication, self-expression, the stories we live-in.

supporting our (6) brow chakra,

our relationship with how we see the truth, past the lies; seeing our Way.

supporting our (7) crown chakra,

our relationship with knowing our Way, Light, Love, Truth, Glory, Wisdom, Unique experience of the Divine... spiritually IN our body, engaged in our life.

And at the same time, the blessings of these upper chakras rain down upon the lower ones - enlivening, feeding, filling them with the water of life...

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